For Phil, Getting My Life

Yesterday was a day of decisions.

A man I called my singing partner, my brother and my favorite person in the world was being laid to rest. It was also the day of a conference for women who had been broken and who were sincerely seeking the Lord's Face to put us back together again...it was called "Get Your Life."

I don't do viewings, and I can barely function at funerals, but this was for someone who meant more to me than even my family because he was one of only three men in my entire life who lived out what he said when he said, "not every man will hurt you. Some will do well with your trust." And he did. Until the day he died, he lived true to his word, and I was able to always feel secure with him, knowing that my name was safe in his mouth. When I found myself giving him too much credit, or putting a Superman cape on him, a cape no man could ever really wear, he would quickly tell me how flawed he was and to not give him too much room to disappoint me.  Because of that humility, that degree of empathy and that rare knowledge of self, he never did.

So when I found out that his service was at the same time as the conference, I was heartbroken. I don't do funerals well, but this was different. His wife didn't like me, but this was different. I no longer hung with the same circle, but this was different. I kept getting anxiety symptoms when i even tried to picture him in a coffin, but this was different. I had to be there, if only to show my face.

Yesterday was a day of decisions.

Then I heard a voice very clearly say, "Why?" I knew what God was asking without asking for elaboration. Why was I putting myself through all this anguish when I already knew the answer? I couldn't go to the service because I would be a disruption because I would most likely collapse or something equally foolish, and that would tarnish all the years of brotherhood he had shown me.  I had to "Go Get my Life."

It was a day of decisions.

I had already wailed and mourned when I got the news, and will be in mourning for years to come because my heart has lost a piece of itself, but I knew that my brother would want me to "Get My Life." He was there when I had been shattered, and shed tears with me because he was unable to repair me, but prayed with me constantly while we allowed the Lord to heal me.  He pestered me to get back on the stage, to sing with him again, but I kept putting him off because that part of me was still "in the repair shop." He embodied Christ's love because he loved me,  despite me. I miss him, but I've already said my goodbyes, I've already set my face like flint and walk toward my destiny. I let one sister know of my struggle and my heartrending decision to not be at the service, and I went to "Get My Life." She concurred that he would have wanted it that way because he always wanted me to be healed.

It was a day of decisions.

At the conference, I had to decide whether my mind was going to be at the service or whether I was going to engage to "Get My Life." I chose the latter, he would have been so proud of me. I made new connections with big sisters and little sisters and mothers that I had been seeking since I met him. I decided to knock out a little space in the wall I had built around my heart to see if I could trust these women. I wanted to see if my decision would hold water. I think it did because I came away with a renewed sense of purpose and an assurance that I could make it because I had been in the company of women just like me. Women who had been shattered but were desperately seeking God's Face to help put us back together again. Women who had overcome remarkable odds and weren't just surviving, but thriving, kicking down obstacles, and sharing how we, the battle-weary, could do it also. It was that rare company of women who didn't care what you or anyone looked like, or how you got to the broken state you were in, whether it was your fault or someone else's, they were only concerned with how to help you "Get Your Life" back. It got so good that I let my guard down enough to share my own experiences and life lessons with some of the little sisters that I met. I found myself offering advice for situations I hadn't even recognized that I had overcome.

It was a day of decisions.

I had to decide whether or not I was going to take these newly unearthed tools and re-bury them, or continue to clean them up and use and share them with other women who were also shattered and seeking God's Face to help them "Get Their Life."

I decided to use them.

Yesterday was a day of decisions, and I think I made the right choices.

Phil, you would have been so proud of me.

Iced tea and discernment

Deuteronomy 11:16 NLT
But be careful. Don’t let your heart be deceived so that you turn away from the Lord and serve and worship other gods.

I have a mild allergy to sucralose. Normally I can taste it in the first sip, but every once in awhile I'm fooled by the other ingredients present. The reaction is nothing serious, just a slight elevation in body temperature, kind of like a heat flash, and some momentary sluggishness, that's on the good days. On the bad days I also get a pretty bad headache, moderate abdominal distress, and some dizziness. It has become increasingly difficult to avoid these reactions because sucralose is now found in so many beverages and I have to be pretty vigilant about reading ingredient lists.

It used to be easier to avoid these bothersome reactions because sucralose once was only found in diet drinks, which I don't drink, because the fake sugars have always caused these reactions. Now I guess the FDA has allowed it to be put into any beverage without any warning labels. Let this serve as caution to those who may also have this allergy and have not figured out why you're having strange reactions to different things. My advice: start checking the labels for sucralose or other inverted sugars.

This post came about because the other morning I decided to try a new brand of iced tea. It didn't say diet so I thought I would be safe, and foolishly, didn't read the label. I had also treated myself to one of my favorite pistachio muffins. Now because I had bitten into the muffin before I took a sip of the iced tea, my normally discerning palate was coated with pistachio goodness, and did not pick up on the taste of the sucralose in the iced tea.

I was driving while I ate, when I started to notice the familiar "creeping" sensation up the back of my neck, the wave of heat wash over my body, and the slight waviness to my vision. I immediately pulled over and checked the can. Sure enough, there was sucralose listed among the ingredients. I was both disappointed (because the iced tea was really good) and angry because the manufacturers had ruined my day because since I'd had this iced tea on an empty stomach, the more severe reactions would soon take hold. So I had to turn around and head home, my morning chore-run shot because of my mistake of not reading the label.

Anyway, on the way home, God began to speak to me about how I had let so many counterfeits slip into my circle, and been feeding on so many false messages because I hadn't been paying attention when my discernment fired. Obviously, I couldn't make any excuses because when God calls you on the carpet, He's already given you every opportunity to make the correction before He has to pull your coat.

I had been "dining" at so many corrupt tables, and not washing my heart afterwards with The Water of the Word, my discernment had gotten "coated" with the world's waywardness, and I was slowly drifting off-track. Even when the heat flashes and headaches of sin had surfaced as God's warning to my spirit to leave whatever I was doing alone, I ignored them, so He had to pull me up short!

I don't know down which road I was heading, or if I can point any specific fingers in any specific directions, I just know I had been drifting, and it took a can of iced tea to bring me back to my senses.

If you know that you've been dabbling in things you have no business being around, use this lesson as your jug-handle and turn that baby around and get back to the road you're supposed to be on. Don't make the mistake of so many others who ignored God's cautionary messages, and have now been turned over to their own devices (don't believe God will do that? See Romans 1:28)

Real life recognition

Recognizing that I have been angry at others for not acting according to my script and angry at myself for acting according to "their" script and not my own. 

I've heard that a big first step toward solving a problem is first recognizing that there is a problem.  Well, now I recognize the problem.  I had this picture in my head about how life was supposed to be, based on the fairy tales I grew up hearing or the idyllic movies I grew up seeing.  I grew up thinking that the "issues" in my family were unique and the worst that the world could have possibly burdened me with.  People finally crossed my path who were transparent enough to let me know that 1. the fairy tales were indeed just that, tales, and not reality at all, and 2. they and most others were experiencing similar, if not the same, issues I had been experiencing, that I was nowhere near alone.  That helped me to breathe more freely.

But now, on to the next step.  How do I recover from all that damage that I've endured and inflicted based on my misinformed thinking?  What if the people who hurt me or that I've hurt are no longer alive or accessible?  Forgive and offer forgiveness anyway.  This is more about unburdening my soul than continuing to place blame (which was my MO).  I have to be a vessel of healing and while I'm doing that, I have to heal as well.  This has been such a long journey of twists, turns, backswitches, retreats, potholes, mountains...you know, I don't have to spell it out, because you've endured your own version of this too!

I find that these intermittent revelatory moments are so key to not only my own healing, but that of so many others because we are all traveling this road called life, and, just like in some of those online role-playing games, you find weapons for future use along the way, you share your arsenal with your troop in order to win the day.  So I'm sharing.

I am a part of an amazing group of people who are also on their own journey of discovery, whether or not they recognize it.  I've read so many of your stories here on FB and see the growth and progress you've made.  Sometimes when we pray for others, we are not privy to the fulfillment of those prayers, and that's just according to God's plan (so that we don't try to take credit for God's work).  But every once in a while, God allows us to see the fruit at the moment when we're ready to throw in the towel.  I was at one of those moments and a friend from long ago posted a memory that re-lit my candle.  The flame lit the way towards today's revelation.

I hope I made God proud with today's work.  I want to make Him proud because in the end, it's really His opinion of me that matters.  I hope I remember that tomorrow...

Soul check: Thought discipline

Soul check: Before you discipline your children, or discipline your body, you need to discipline your thoughts.

Out of your mouth flows the issues found in your heart. So many of those issues can be minimized or stopped before they begin, by controlling the thoughts surrounding them. Because the Word teaches that "as he thinks in his heart, so is he," we then know that those thoughts can manifest into the physical realm simply by dwelling on them. Our very rehearsal of thoughts, good or evil, are the fertilizer those thoughts need to germinate, and ultimately come to fruition, that is, bear fruit.

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 says: We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. And after you have become fully obedient, we will punish everyone who remains disobedient.

Today's societal thinking veers towards the fulfillment and buoying of "me," everything is about "me" and what "I" can do to become a better "me" by doing things to bolster more of "me." Self-help, self-realization, self-actualization, and on and on. Yoga, meditation, chanting, all of those self-absorbing practices can be dangerous to the soul seeking a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. They can be soothing and healing, but can also become a subtle distraction from focusing on God to focusing on self. Those are the thoughts that need to be captured and disciplined toward the living for God. There is nothing wrong with seeking betterment of oneself, as long as it doesn't dethrone God. God wants us to prosper as our souls prosper, so He wants us to be better, but not at the expense of our souls (from where our thoughts originate).

Capturing our thoughts and keeping them captive to the obedience of Christ is the way to discipline our thoughts. Whenever an errant thought crosses our mind, immediately redirect it onto the straight and narrow, or else it will take a detour from the planned route. Ever wonder "how did I get here?" Often it's because of unplanned and uncontrolled detours. Some detours are unplanned, but they do not have to be uncontrolled. Keep the goal in mind and get back to the planned route and "train of thought" as soon as possible, or you could end up so very far away from the goal. Being disciplined takes practice, it is not an overnight successful accomplishment, and it is ongoing, not a one-time deed.

Different distractions and modes of thought will constantly bombard us, and it's up to us to recognize them for what they are the moment they enter our sphere. Some thoughts are meant to open a closed mind, which is good, but if taken too far, open it to...what? Some forms of meditation are for soothing frayed nerves and smoothing jagged edges, which is wonderful, but if not researched in origin and mode, you meditate on...what?

Again, before we seek to discipline anyone or anything other than ourselves, we need to discipline our own thoughts.

Perspective

(originally penned 1/12/16)

I love trees! Their stature, their strength, their variety, their resilience, but most of all, their beauty. And I love the way that nature teaches me lessons a...bout life, over and over again...

Because I don't have an office with a view yet, I have resorted to natural landscape screensavers to remind me that there's a big, green world outside, just waiting for me to enjoy. Anyway, recently, a picture flashed across the screen, and my initial reaction was less than favorable. It was a close up picture of tree bark. I frowned as I thought, "How did that get in there?" But since I had no control over the images in that particular screensaver package, I had to let it slide. A few minutes later, the same tree flashed across the screen, but this time it was a more comprehensive picture of the entire tree. My reaction was exactly the opposite this time. I thought, "What an absolutely gorgeous tree!" It wasn't until after the thought was completed that I recognized it as the same tree.

How often in life do we do the same thing? I mean, not just make a hasty judgment, but not take unto account the big picture? How often have marriages ended because all he/she can see now is the ugliness of the past few fights, but don't look at the entire victory picture of the past decades of winning the war side by side? How many friendships have died because of one slip of the tongue that caused the heart to forget the many obstacles overcome together? How many missed opportunities because the individual wasn't dressed "right" for our taste? So often we fail to see the forest for the trees (pun fully intentional).

Just like with my change of perspective with the tree, sometimes we need to step back and assess the big picture, instead of picking on the immediate details. Sometimes the whole is much greater than the sum of the parts. Sometimes stepping back, or away, can grant a never before experienced perspective that can change an entire outlook...

But what do I know?

Less Filling...

And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you.  For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.” - Hebrews 12:5-6 NLT

 

Remember that commercial from back in the day whose tagline was "Less filling, tastes great?"  Sadly, there are a few modern day houses of worship who have lost their original purpose and have diluted the Word down to suit their own needs to where it's "Less filling, tastes great!"  Jesus didn't say that the Word was always going to feel good, in fact it is likened to double-edged sword, which I know doesn't feel good when it's doing its work!  The Word is often like a medicine, and medicines don't often taste good.  As long as it does the work it was sent to do, I don't think we should be as concerned about the initial unpleasant taste; the healing will last much longer than the unpleasant taste.  

 

Being disciplined by God's Word doesn't feel good, especially if it comes at a time we feel is inconvenient; that will often leave a bad taste in our mouths.  But, if we receive the correction in the love it was wrapped in, it will be health to our flesh and strength to our bones.  We will be filled with His love, His grace, His guidance, His wisdom, His Holy Spirit.  But if we dilute the Word, and tailor it to match our moods, or edit it to garner larger congregations or donations, then we not only do God a great disservice, but we endanger the very lives of the people to whom we are to be ministering.

 

Everyone needs the entire Word preached to them, not just what suits their mood at the time.  Just because it may initially make us cry doesn't mean it's not good for us.  Think of it like a baby getting a vaccination.  Any parent knows the agony they and the infant go through when the child gets its first vaccination.  Oh, the pain and screaming, and that's not just from the infant!  But the pain is temporary, the fever and the tears are temporary, but the protection that it offers to the health of that child against some of the most miserable or crippling of childhood diseases are worth the initial day or two of misery.  I know that there are some controversies now about some vaccinations, but for the most part, they are prophylactics against some devastating childhood diseases.  Such is the Word of God.  If we take it as medicine, and fill up on it, then we are protected against so many of the enemy's attacks of which we are never aware.  Sure, sometimes God will show us from what He protected us, but I think that most of the time, we go through life blissfully unaware of some of the things from which God protected us.

 

Now, I know that I'm not the only one who can also testify to the pain and regret of "catering" the Word to a particular need, and being gravely disappointed when God didn't come through the way we had thought He would.  If we had read or heard the entire Word meant to address the situation, there would have been no disappointment because we would have been led down the correct path of expectation from God.  So vital is the need for the entire, unadulterated Word of God, because there are so many of us walking around embittered because of disappointment in a God we never took the time to really understand.  If we really admitted to it, there are some areas in our lives where there are unanswered questions simply because we didn't take the time to sit with God to get the complete plan.  He was willing to give it to us if only we had been willing to sit and listen. Taking medicine isn't always an instantaneous "spoonful," sometimes it requires a period of "intravenous feeding."  I'm not saying that everything has an immediate or ready explanation, but taking the medicine will prepare us for those as well, knowing that sometimes healing takes time; that not everything happens instantly.

 

Let us focus on imparting the entire Word to make it "filling," not worrying about whether or not it tastes great.  Let's leave the commercials to the world's minds.  We are instructed to set our minds on things above; in doing so we will be filled

My take on the mixing of races

So, I know I'm probably setting myself up for a lot of flak, but this thing has been sitting in my heart since I overheard a conversation, and I need to get it out.

The conversation was about mixed children and how that was the way the world was leaning, and that the two participants in the conversation were very happy about it.

Okay, granted that I wasn't too keen on the "trend" toward mixed children when it seemed to gain steam, and became the "in thing" for people to do, I have now mellowed and grown more accepting as more and more of people close to me have entered and remained happy in these unions.  I am not one for trends, so that's why I initially objected.  I have seen too many people jump on bandwagons for different interests and causes and started some really good movements, but then grew tired and left the "offspring" out in the cold to fend for themselves.  Also granted, that race mixing has been around since the beginning of time, and it's not a new thing, but when I see a seeming surge in something that touches on the "trendy" I immediately get defensive because I so often see the sad outcomes of no follow through after the initial excitement.

I know that I have already offended many simply by my loose and possibly unfeeling use of the terminology, but please hear me out.  I do not voice this concern to stir any pots, or to start a discussion, or to raise any sort of awareness, not this time, I am simply voicing my viewpoint on a topic I found a little troubling in the way it was presented.

First let me state why I was initially disturbed by the way the conversation was turning.  I am a very proud dark-skinned black woman who went through a period of grave disappointment in black men who seemed to blatantly denigrate our race, and crossed over to date and wed primarily white women.  I was further egged on in my disgust when I saw that the black man was surrounded by eligible, intelligent, gorgeous black women, but bypassed those options and chose a less attractive, less intelligent white woman.  I was only slightly appeased if the white woman was gorgeous and intelligent.  What used to get my blood boiling was the negativity exhibited by the black man towards the black women he "rejected."

Denigrating your own race because you chose someone from another will never look right in my book, no matter what you try to say to me, so don't even bother trying to defend that argument, and I'll tell you why.  If you are a black man, that means you came from a black woman, who came from a black woman, all the way back.  You possibly had black sisters, aunts, cousins, etc.  How can you say that you don't want a black woman without disrespecting and hurting those who raised you?  I understand that not all families have a wonderful example to which to look, but those are more the exception than the rule, so again, your excuse will never sway me.  Now if you have tried to date black women and have suffered repeatedly and a white woman rescued and treasured your heart, then I am all for it, but please, and I do mean that, please do not group all black women into that awful category I know to which some do belong.  So my problem is with the denigration of black women by black men.

I was not so much disturbed when I saw black men with women from other races besides white.  It still caused a level of discord within me, but not as harshly.  I am still of a generation who, though we came up just after Jim Crow, still suffered so many blatant racist acts at the hands of whites that the "prized white women" mentality still rises to the top of my consciousness when I see a mixed couple.  I do not do it on purpose because it is such a part of my conditioning because of the injustices I have experienced and seen; it is almost Pavlovian.  Therefore, my objection level to a mixed couple where the woman is of another "minority" is diminished because, and I think my rationale is, if I follow my own train of thought, they have also suffered at the hands of whites, so they "get it."

I also do not get as upset if the woman is black and the man is of another race.  Being a black woman, I have been subjected to all the media hype about the ratios of black men to black women, and the picture is never a pretty one.  So I do not object as strongly to my sisters finding love and happiness with a man of another race.

As I previously stated, I went through a period of grave disappointment, key word "went," past tense.  I no longer give that arena anywhere near as much of my time or energy as I once did, and because of that waning of interest and angst, I have found myself more open when I see mixed couples, especially genuinely happy mixed couples.

However, and this brings me back to my original point, the eventual loss of the individual races is something I don't see happening.  Whether it will be because of more open-minded people like myself, or from the closed-minded prejudiced elements within each race, it's going to be a battle, and one where that blending across the board will lose.  There is still too much to be learned from each individual race, and if we blend everything into one big mélange, those beautiful individualities will be lost!

Something I really enjoy doing is people watching, and part of the enjoyment is watching how the differences interact.  And I'm not even going to touch on the subsets of cultures within each individual race!  Just watching an older white woman smile back at a Hispanic baby, or a young Asian boy dance with a group of similar aged black boys, or a little white girl join in a game of tag with a group of children, all from distinct races, brings hours of smiles to my face.  This is not something that we can afford to lose.  Of course there will always be difficulties along the way, we experience them everyday.  But if we resort to trying to "erase" those differences by blending everything together, that'll just raise a different set of issues.

The first mention of "differences" is in the Bible with Noah's sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth, and has been a cultural argument down through the ages.  The actual assignment of "races" though, came much later, somewhere around the 19th century, when scientists started to try to categorize humanity based on certain physical racial characteristics.  This led to theories and assumptions and unfounded conclusions which led to the rise of racism.  If the scientists had been in a different time period or around a different group of people, who knows how that argument might have turned out.  As it is, here we are today, living with the results of institutionalized racism, and it causes people to again jump to irrational, unprovable conclusions.  I may have even jumped to some myself in researching for this post.

I still want to learn about the different races though, and I don't want to be forced to do it because of "blending" of the races.  I want enough of the original races to remain distinct, with all the distinctive characteristics evident.  I no longer have a rabid response to the mixing of the races, as long as it isn't a forced "remedy" from a pacifist's answer to relieve racism.  There will always be differences, there will always be prejudices, there will always be misunderstandings, as long as there are humans, there will always be human responses, good or bad.  But just because there is a long-standing problem does not mean that there isn't a solution.  But blending isn't it.

America used to be called "the Giant Melting Pot."  That is probably why the idea of blending is such an appealing one to some groups.  I rather like the new approach where we're now more of a "Giant Salad," all in the same bowl, but retaining our individual flavors, enhancing the flavors of the others with whom we're interacting.

I like me, with all my flaws and foibles, strengths and wisdom, beauty and scars.  So many have benefited from me being myself, myself included, that I would never go back to the people pleasing, go-along-to-get-along wall flower I once was.  Being ourselves is the best gift to the world that we can offer; why would we want to give that up to become a carbon copy of someone else?  That would ruin the whole idea of individuality!

I'm against losing our uniqueness, but I am interested in how you feel about it.  Let me know in the comments below.

Humbly submitted,

The Psalmist

Dreaming again

So I had a dream last night.

I haven't had dreams I remember for years, so last night was very significant. I started dreaming again in December while hospitalized, and that's when I recognized that God was still with me (I was so far down that I'd given up). I didn't think He had abandoned me (I still held on to His promise that He'd never leave or forsake me), but I did think that He was just standing by, like everyone else, just watching me drown and not thinking me worth the effort to even try to help me.

Anyway, to the dream...I was leaving someplace at night, and these three women were following me, I didn't immediately recognize that they were following me until we were in an area with fewer people. As I tried to rush to my car, they started to rush me. The fear I felt awakened me.

When my heart calmed down enough from that fright, I began to understand it's significance. I was bombarded last year with trial after test after trial after test, most of them not having the "courtesy" to wait until the last test or trial was over, but kept mounting at sometimes multiple tests at the same time of varying intensities. I let a few people (I thought were friends) know what was going on and tried to keep it moving.  Most of the time though, I was drowning.  I kept saying I was tired, or overwhelmed, and I would get tepid responses, if I got responses at all.

But I'm descending again, so moving on...

The three women represented depression, bitterness, and hopelessness. They had been dogging my heels all this time, but I didn't recognize it until I saw how my circle kept dwindling. The more I cried out, the smaller my circle got. Some people asked me where my faith was, and how was my prayer life. I was so deep in despair, and I was so overwhelmed, they were almost non-existent. I didn't even believe that God heard me anymore, because I couldn't believe that He could not only allow all this stuff to happen at the same time, but that i would be abandoned by the very people I thought He had sent to help me get through this excruciatingly gruesome time in my life. I found out, the painful way, that they were not (my heart is still in recovery over that one).

As I said, my circle got smaller, but it didn't totally disintegrate, and there were a few who hung in there with me, who recognized that my need for contact was vital to my sanity and healing. They prayed with and for me, offered help, called me while I was in the hospital, offered to come take care of me while I recuperated, and have kept checking on me even to this day.

I'm still battling bitterness but less and less because I had to just let go of the selfish ones. Because of how I am, I dismiss selfishness often at the expense of my own emotional health. Well, that's another lesson learned, no more. If you were one of those to whom I offered an ear, a shoulder, advice, etc. while I was going through my own hell, yet you never even inquired about my well-being, you may have noticed a fierce cooling off...well, that's because of you...bye!

I now have recovered enough strength and faith to get back on the prayer wagon, and my desire to reestablish my relationship with God has been greatly rekindled.  I have gained some more wisdom and insight into humanity that will probably remind me to keep my circle extremely small. I have to really trust God to send whom He chooses for my circle, and not despair so much when the Judases appear because they too, unfortunately, are vital to my story.

This wasn't one of these happy stories, but it is to serve as medicine. Sometimes life serves us bitter pills that destroy some parts of us, but if those parts aren't destroyed, 1. they will hinder us from moving forward, and 2. their destruction now allows room for more of the beneficial things to be planted and flourish and expand.

From the broken, but healing, heart of

The Psalmist