Post surgery

So, Monday the 9th was the big day! The day that I finally got my lower back work done. Dr Mark Eskander did an L3 to L5 fusion and an S1 to L3 laminectomy. From what I understand everything went well. I am on some pretty decent painkillers because I actually walked into the apartment with a walker with very little pain. I took my second dose of Tylenol and Tramadol about an hour ago because the wound was starting to bother me when I got up to use the bathroom. But all in all I still feel pretty good enough to even say that after next week I might very well be able to go back to work! I'm going to get up tomorrow and try to... Well it's already tomorrow so I guess I'm going to get up later today and see if I can drive to Walmart. I need a handheld shower head to give myself a proper cleaning and maybe a couple other things but that's the main thing. So I'm thanking God and all the prayer warriors that held me up because I did not expect to feel this good after 5 days post surgery I expected to be in major pain unable to move unable to do anything. I got in the house I was able to walk around without the walker! So God be praised Amen!

WAKANDA FOREVER!

So, yesterday evening Chadwick Boseman died at the age of 43 from colon cancer. It was reported that he had been battling it for four years while he made some of the most iconic movies of his career.

I can't even begin to express how heartbroken I am. Not just because this man who had dedicated his acting career to recreating the lives of so many African American, scratch that, BLACK heroes, has now exited stage left, but that it comes on the same day that we're celebrating the 57th anniversary of the March on Washington by Dr. King. All this during a time when so many hearts are already bleeding and bruised from the most recent killing of a young man who was trying to break up a fight, but because he was walking away from a so-called police officer, he was shot seven freaking times in the back?!?!?! I don't know how much more my poor heart can take?!?!

I guess I'm going to have to find out how much more my heart can take. The incident with Jacob Blake hurts even more because just a few days later a 17 year old white boy in Kenosha Wisconsin shot 3 people, killing two, then casually walked by with the gun in his hands past police officers, while people were screaming and pointing that he had just shot people?!?! He wasn't even detained, pulled over, paused, or questioned! He was allowed to go home to his family, from where he was PEACEFULLY ARRESTED THE NEXT DAY!?!????!!!

My heart is so battered and bruised right now from the litany of inequities perpetually allowed to rain on Black folk in this country that I honestly don't know how much more our people can take. This seems to be leading up to the explosion of a powder keg of such epic proportions, the fallout will be felt for generations, and I don't know if that's going to be a good thing. I would pray that the resulting reparations, however they are doled out, would help ease some of the generations of pain already endured, but no amount of reparations, in whatever form, will ever be able to soothe the amount of hurt and degradation and...

When we saw the depiction of a fictional world where an African nation was so far advanced that the other nations appeared "third world" in comparison, our hearts, minds and spirits were temporarily buoyed, if only for the time while we were in the theaters, drinking in the sweet nectar of a dream yet unfulfilled. When we saw the meek, humble, yet powerful and passionate imagery of an African King whose wise deployment of supremely advanced technology, and it's resulting abundance of wealth, our hearts soared at the thought of a wise and benevolent ruler whose skin color reflected our own.  But when we got to know the actors behind these pride-infusing depictions, we couldn't have been prouder to welcome them to the cookout.  

"Black Panther" was more than just a movie for more than just me. It was a gathering place for pride and being Black, and being part of the African diaspora. It was a show of strength, a quiet strength that has always been a part of our people. It was a time to laugh and enjoy what we already knew was so richly and deeply a part of the Black experience. For me, it was just another room at the already overwhelming African American Museum of History and Culture in DC, a place I had quickly come to call one of my favorite places.

I am still so shocked that the Marvel Omniverse put so much into the making of that movie. I know some have said that it was just part of their financial plan building up to the final Marvel superheroes movies, but somehow it seemed a little bit more than that...

Anyway, now that one of those famous heroes, and I don't mean the character, I actually mean the actor, Chadwick Boseman, has gone to join the likes of Stan Lee, John Lewis, Maya Angelou, that my heart weeps, and will probably weep for a while.  

There is no way any of us could have known the lifetime into which we would live and see the atrocities that have been played out in our streets. No way we could possibly have imagined that the institutions that were put in place to keep us safe are the very ones that are being used to pick us off...or could we? Maybe here is where my naivete really does kick in.  I don't know.

But while we wait as we watch this all play out, we can still let our minds wander back to that breathtaking scene when that African prince, with his most trusted warrior at his side, said, "This never gets old," as his flightcraft breached the cloaking shield of artificial forestry to view the splendor that was WAKANDA. https://youtu.be/r8nxdAGg2FY

The new face of lynching

I am in pain...my heart hurts so much I am in a constant state of nausea...

When Colin Kaepernick knelt, there was such an uproar.

Contrast that against the multiple times that white police officers have "knelt" on our Black men. An uproar can only be heard from other Black men and mothers of Black men. Sadly, not enough came from the white nation that raised the uproar about Kaepernick's kneeling.

I love my white friends. The picture below came from a white friend's page, giving voice to her own outrage at the situation. But there are not enough of her. I've heard too many excuses about "how it's going to look?" or "how am I going to be received?" or "I have an image to maintain." Put yourself in the shoes of the grieving mother who now has to bury another Black son, and stop caring so much more about your friggin' image than the life of a man!

Obviously, just the outraged brown voices are not enough, we need the voices of ALL races to make a difference. This is one of those instances when I agree that ALL LIVES MATTER! We need all lives on deck to sound off about this increase in the "hunting season." I'm sorry if this is harsh, but the face of the "officer" looks exactly like one of the faces in the mobs who were pictured with the hanging bodies of lynched victims. His expression is a barely veiled expression of pride in what he'd done, how he'd put down the "black buck."

The tears are streaming now because my heart has overflowed.

I can't...I just can't anymore...I have nothing left.

This is why Colin knelt...

For Phil, Getting My Life

Yesterday was a day of decisions.

A man I called my singing partner, my brother and my favorite person in the world was being laid to rest. It was also the day of a conference for women who had been broken and who were sincerely seeking the Lord's Face to put us back together again...it was called "Get Your Life."

I don't do viewings, and I can barely function at funerals, but this was for someone who meant more to me than even my family because he was one of only three men in my entire life who lived out what he said when he said, "not every man will hurt you. Some will do well with your trust." And he did. Until the day he died, he lived true to his word, and I was able to always feel secure with him, knowing that my name was safe in his mouth. When I found myself giving him too much credit, or putting a Superman cape on him, a cape no man could ever really wear, he would quickly tell me how flawed he was and to not give him too much room to disappoint me.  Because of that humility, that degree of empathy and that rare knowledge of self, he never did.

So when I found out that his service was at the same time as the conference, I was heartbroken. I don't do funerals well, but this was different. His wife didn't like me, but this was different. I no longer hung with the same circle, but this was different. I kept getting anxiety symptoms when i even tried to picture him in a coffin, but this was different. I had to be there, if only to show my face.

Yesterday was a day of decisions.

Then I heard a voice very clearly say, "Why?" I knew what God was asking without asking for elaboration. Why was I putting myself through all this anguish when I already knew the answer? I couldn't go to the service because I would be a disruption because I would most likely collapse or something equally foolish, and that would tarnish all the years of brotherhood he had shown me.  I had to "Go Get my Life."

It was a day of decisions.

I had already wailed and mourned when I got the news, and will be in mourning for years to come because my heart has lost a piece of itself, but I knew that my brother would want me to "Get My Life." He was there when I had been shattered, and shed tears with me because he was unable to repair me, but prayed with me constantly while we allowed the Lord to heal me.  He pestered me to get back on the stage, to sing with him again, but I kept putting him off because that part of me was still "in the repair shop." He embodied Christ's love because he loved me,  despite me. I miss him, but I've already said my goodbyes, I've already set my face like flint and walk toward my destiny. I let one sister know of my struggle and my heartrending decision to not be at the service, and I went to "Get My Life." She concurred that he would have wanted it that way because he always wanted me to be healed.

It was a day of decisions.

At the conference, I had to decide whether my mind was going to be at the service or whether I was going to engage to "Get My Life." I chose the latter, he would have been so proud of me. I made new connections with big sisters and little sisters and mothers that I had been seeking since I met him. I decided to knock out a little space in the wall I had built around my heart to see if I could trust these women. I wanted to see if my decision would hold water. I think it did because I came away with a renewed sense of purpose and an assurance that I could make it because I had been in the company of women just like me. Women who had been shattered but were desperately seeking God's Face to help put us back together again. Women who had overcome remarkable odds and weren't just surviving, but thriving, kicking down obstacles, and sharing how we, the battle-weary, could do it also. It was that rare company of women who didn't care what you or anyone looked like, or how you got to the broken state you were in, whether it was your fault or someone else's, they were only concerned with how to help you "Get Your Life" back. It got so good that I let my guard down enough to share my own experiences and life lessons with some of the little sisters that I met. I found myself offering advice for situations I hadn't even recognized that I had overcome.

It was a day of decisions.

I had to decide whether or not I was going to take these newly unearthed tools and re-bury them, or continue to clean them up and use and share them with other women who were also shattered and seeking God's Face to help them "Get Their Life."

I decided to use them.

Yesterday was a day of decisions, and I think I made the right choices.

Phil, you would have been so proud of me.

Iced tea and discernment

Deuteronomy 11:16 NLT
But be careful. Don’t let your heart be deceived so that you turn away from the Lord and serve and worship other gods.

I have a mild allergy to sucralose. Normally I can taste it in the first sip, but every once in awhile I'm fooled by the other ingredients present. The reaction is nothing serious, just a slight elevation in body temperature, kind of like a heat flash, and some momentary sluggishness, that's on the good days. On the bad days I also get a pretty bad headache, moderate abdominal distress, and some dizziness. It has become increasingly difficult to avoid these reactions because sucralose is now found in so many beverages and I have to be pretty vigilant about reading ingredient lists.

It used to be easier to avoid these bothersome reactions because sucralose once was only found in diet drinks, which I don't drink, because the fake sugars have always caused these reactions. Now I guess the FDA has allowed it to be put into any beverage without any warning labels. Let this serve as caution to those who may also have this allergy and have not figured out why you're having strange reactions to different things. My advice: start checking the labels for sucralose or other inverted sugars.

This post came about because the other morning I decided to try a new brand of iced tea. It didn't say diet so I thought I would be safe, and foolishly, didn't read the label. I had also treated myself to one of my favorite pistachio muffins. Now because I had bitten into the muffin before I took a sip of the iced tea, my normally discerning palate was coated with pistachio goodness, and did not pick up on the taste of the sucralose in the iced tea.

I was driving while I ate, when I started to notice the familiar "creeping" sensation up the back of my neck, the wave of heat wash over my body, and the slight waviness to my vision. I immediately pulled over and checked the can. Sure enough, there was sucralose listed among the ingredients. I was both disappointed (because the iced tea was really good) and angry because the manufacturers had ruined my day because since I'd had this iced tea on an empty stomach, the more severe reactions would soon take hold. So I had to turn around and head home, my morning chore-run shot because of my mistake of not reading the label.

Anyway, on the way home, God began to speak to me about how I had let so many counterfeits slip into my circle, and been feeding on so many false messages because I hadn't been paying attention when my discernment fired. Obviously, I couldn't make any excuses because when God calls you on the carpet, He's already given you every opportunity to make the correction before He has to pull your coat.

I had been "dining" at so many corrupt tables, and not washing my heart afterwards with The Water of the Word, my discernment had gotten "coated" with the world's waywardness, and I was slowly drifting off-track. Even when the heat flashes and headaches of sin had surfaced as God's warning to my spirit to leave whatever I was doing alone, I ignored them, so He had to pull me up short!

I don't know down which road I was heading, or if I can point any specific fingers in any specific directions, I just know I had been drifting, and it took a can of iced tea to bring me back to my senses.

If you know that you've been dabbling in things you have no business being around, use this lesson as your jug-handle and turn that baby around and get back to the road you're supposed to be on. Don't make the mistake of so many others who ignored God's cautionary messages, and have now been turned over to their own devices (don't believe God will do that? See Romans 1:28)

Real life recognition

Recognizing that I have been angry at others for not acting according to my script and angry at myself for acting according to "their" script and not my own. 

I've heard that a big first step toward solving a problem is first recognizing that there is a problem.  Well, now I recognize the problem.  I had this picture in my head about how life was supposed to be, based on the fairy tales I grew up hearing or the idyllic movies I grew up seeing.  I grew up thinking that the "issues" in my family were unique and the worst that the world could have possibly burdened me with.  People finally crossed my path who were transparent enough to let me know that 1. the fairy tales were indeed just that, tales, and not reality at all, and 2. they and most others were experiencing similar, if not the same, issues I had been experiencing, that I was nowhere near alone.  That helped me to breathe more freely.

But now, on to the next step.  How do I recover from all that damage that I've endured and inflicted based on my misinformed thinking?  What if the people who hurt me or that I've hurt are no longer alive or accessible?  Forgive and offer forgiveness anyway.  This is more about unburdening my soul than continuing to place blame (which was my MO).  I have to be a vessel of healing and while I'm doing that, I have to heal as well.  This has been such a long journey of twists, turns, backswitches, retreats, potholes, mountains...you know, I don't have to spell it out, because you've endured your own version of this too!

I find that these intermittent revelatory moments are so key to not only my own healing, but that of so many others because we are all traveling this road called life, and, just like in some of those online role-playing games, you find weapons for future use along the way, you share your arsenal with your troop in order to win the day.  So I'm sharing.

I am a part of an amazing group of people who are also on their own journey of discovery, whether or not they recognize it.  I've read so many of your stories here on FB and see the growth and progress you've made.  Sometimes when we pray for others, we are not privy to the fulfillment of those prayers, and that's just according to God's plan (so that we don't try to take credit for God's work).  But every once in a while, God allows us to see the fruit at the moment when we're ready to throw in the towel.  I was at one of those moments and a friend from long ago posted a memory that re-lit my candle.  The flame lit the way towards today's revelation.

I hope I made God proud with today's work.  I want to make Him proud because in the end, it's really His opinion of me that matters.  I hope I remember that tomorrow...

Soul check: Thought discipline

Soul check: Before you discipline your children, or discipline your body, you need to discipline your thoughts.

Out of your mouth flows the issues found in your heart. So many of those issues can be minimized or stopped before they begin, by controlling the thoughts surrounding them. Because the Word teaches that "as he thinks in his heart, so is he," we then know that those thoughts can manifest into the physical realm simply by dwelling on them. Our very rehearsal of thoughts, good or evil, are the fertilizer those thoughts need to germinate, and ultimately come to fruition, that is, bear fruit.

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 says: We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. And after you have become fully obedient, we will punish everyone who remains disobedient.

Today's societal thinking veers towards the fulfillment and buoying of "me," everything is about "me" and what "I" can do to become a better "me" by doing things to bolster more of "me." Self-help, self-realization, self-actualization, and on and on. Yoga, meditation, chanting, all of those self-absorbing practices can be dangerous to the soul seeking a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. They can be soothing and healing, but can also become a subtle distraction from focusing on God to focusing on self. Those are the thoughts that need to be captured and disciplined toward the living for God. There is nothing wrong with seeking betterment of oneself, as long as it doesn't dethrone God. God wants us to prosper as our souls prosper, so He wants us to be better, but not at the expense of our souls (from where our thoughts originate).

Capturing our thoughts and keeping them captive to the obedience of Christ is the way to discipline our thoughts. Whenever an errant thought crosses our mind, immediately redirect it onto the straight and narrow, or else it will take a detour from the planned route. Ever wonder "how did I get here?" Often it's because of unplanned and uncontrolled detours. Some detours are unplanned, but they do not have to be uncontrolled. Keep the goal in mind and get back to the planned route and "train of thought" as soon as possible, or you could end up so very far away from the goal. Being disciplined takes practice, it is not an overnight successful accomplishment, and it is ongoing, not a one-time deed.

Different distractions and modes of thought will constantly bombard us, and it's up to us to recognize them for what they are the moment they enter our sphere. Some thoughts are meant to open a closed mind, which is good, but if taken too far, open it to...what? Some forms of meditation are for soothing frayed nerves and smoothing jagged edges, which is wonderful, but if not researched in origin and mode, you meditate on...what?

Again, before we seek to discipline anyone or anything other than ourselves, we need to discipline our own thoughts.

Perspective

(originally penned 1/12/16)

I love trees! Their stature, their strength, their variety, their resilience, but most of all, their beauty. And I love the way that nature teaches me lessons a...bout life, over and over again...

Because I don't have an office with a view yet, I have resorted to natural landscape screensavers to remind me that there's a big, green world outside, just waiting for me to enjoy. Anyway, recently, a picture flashed across the screen, and my initial reaction was less than favorable. It was a close up picture of tree bark. I frowned as I thought, "How did that get in there?" But since I had no control over the images in that particular screensaver package, I had to let it slide. A few minutes later, the same tree flashed across the screen, but this time it was a more comprehensive picture of the entire tree. My reaction was exactly the opposite this time. I thought, "What an absolutely gorgeous tree!" It wasn't until after the thought was completed that I recognized it as the same tree.

How often in life do we do the same thing? I mean, not just make a hasty judgment, but not take unto account the big picture? How often have marriages ended because all he/she can see now is the ugliness of the past few fights, but don't look at the entire victory picture of the past decades of winning the war side by side? How many friendships have died because of one slip of the tongue that caused the heart to forget the many obstacles overcome together? How many missed opportunities because the individual wasn't dressed "right" for our taste? So often we fail to see the forest for the trees (pun fully intentional).

Just like with my change of perspective with the tree, sometimes we need to step back and assess the big picture, instead of picking on the immediate details. Sometimes the whole is much greater than the sum of the parts. Sometimes stepping back, or away, can grant a never before experienced perspective that can change an entire outlook...

But what do I know?

Less Filling...

And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you.  For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.” - Hebrews 12:5-6 NLT

 

Remember that commercial from back in the day whose tagline was "Less filling, tastes great?"  Sadly, there are a few modern day houses of worship who have lost their original purpose and have diluted the Word down to suit their own needs to where it's "Less filling, tastes great!"  Jesus didn't say that the Word was always going to feel good, in fact it is likened to double-edged sword, which I know doesn't feel good when it's doing its work!  The Word is often like a medicine, and medicines don't often taste good.  As long as it does the work it was sent to do, I don't think we should be as concerned about the initial unpleasant taste; the healing will last much longer than the unpleasant taste.  

 

Being disciplined by God's Word doesn't feel good, especially if it comes at a time we feel is inconvenient; that will often leave a bad taste in our mouths.  But, if we receive the correction in the love it was wrapped in, it will be health to our flesh and strength to our bones.  We will be filled with His love, His grace, His guidance, His wisdom, His Holy Spirit.  But if we dilute the Word, and tailor it to match our moods, or edit it to garner larger congregations or donations, then we not only do God a great disservice, but we endanger the very lives of the people to whom we are to be ministering.

 

Everyone needs the entire Word preached to them, not just what suits their mood at the time.  Just because it may initially make us cry doesn't mean it's not good for us.  Think of it like a baby getting a vaccination.  Any parent knows the agony they and the infant go through when the child gets its first vaccination.  Oh, the pain and screaming, and that's not just from the infant!  But the pain is temporary, the fever and the tears are temporary, but the protection that it offers to the health of that child against some of the most miserable or crippling of childhood diseases are worth the initial day or two of misery.  I know that there are some controversies now about some vaccinations, but for the most part, they are prophylactics against some devastating childhood diseases.  Such is the Word of God.  If we take it as medicine, and fill up on it, then we are protected against so many of the enemy's attacks of which we are never aware.  Sure, sometimes God will show us from what He protected us, but I think that most of the time, we go through life blissfully unaware of some of the things from which God protected us.

 

Now, I know that I'm not the only one who can also testify to the pain and regret of "catering" the Word to a particular need, and being gravely disappointed when God didn't come through the way we had thought He would.  If we had read or heard the entire Word meant to address the situation, there would have been no disappointment because we would have been led down the correct path of expectation from God.  So vital is the need for the entire, unadulterated Word of God, because there are so many of us walking around embittered because of disappointment in a God we never took the time to really understand.  If we really admitted to it, there are some areas in our lives where there are unanswered questions simply because we didn't take the time to sit with God to get the complete plan.  He was willing to give it to us if only we had been willing to sit and listen. Taking medicine isn't always an instantaneous "spoonful," sometimes it requires a period of "intravenous feeding."  I'm not saying that everything has an immediate or ready explanation, but taking the medicine will prepare us for those as well, knowing that sometimes healing takes time; that not everything happens instantly.

 

Let us focus on imparting the entire Word to make it "filling," not worrying about whether or not it tastes great.  Let's leave the commercials to the world's minds.  We are instructed to set our minds on things above; in doing so we will be filled

My take on the mixing of races

So, I know I'm probably setting myself up for a lot of flak, but this thing has been sitting in my heart since I overheard a conversation, and I need to get it out.

The conversation was about mixed children and how that was the way the world was leaning, and that the two participants in the conversation were very happy about it.

Okay, granted that I wasn't too keen on the "trend" toward mixed children when it seemed to gain steam, and became the "in thing" for people to do, I have now mellowed and grown more accepting as more and more of people close to me have entered and remained happy in these unions.  I am not one for trends, so that's why I initially objected.  I have seen too many people jump on bandwagons for different interests and causes and started some really good movements, but then grew tired and left the "offspring" out in the cold to fend for themselves.  Also granted, that race mixing has been around since the beginning of time, and it's not a new thing, but when I see a seeming surge in something that touches on the "trendy" I immediately get defensive because I so often see the sad outcomes of no follow through after the initial excitement.

I know that I have already offended many simply by my loose and possibly unfeeling use of the terminology, but please hear me out.  I do not voice this concern to stir any pots, or to start a discussion, or to raise any sort of awareness, not this time, I am simply voicing my viewpoint on a topic I found a little troubling in the way it was presented.

First let me state why I was initially disturbed by the way the conversation was turning.  I am a very proud dark-skinned black woman who went through a period of grave disappointment in black men who seemed to blatantly denigrate our race, and crossed over to date and wed primarily white women.  I was further egged on in my disgust when I saw that the black man was surrounded by eligible, intelligent, gorgeous black women, but bypassed those options and chose a less attractive, less intelligent white woman.  I was only slightly appeased if the white woman was gorgeous and intelligent.  What used to get my blood boiling was the negativity exhibited by the black man towards the black women he "rejected."

Denigrating your own race because you chose someone from another will never look right in my book, no matter what you try to say to me, so don't even bother trying to defend that argument, and I'll tell you why.  If you are a black man, that means you came from a black woman, who came from a black woman, all the way back.  You possibly had black sisters, aunts, cousins, etc.  How can you say that you don't want a black woman without disrespecting and hurting those who raised you?  I understand that not all families have a wonderful example to which to look, but those are more the exception than the rule, so again, your excuse will never sway me.  Now if you have tried to date black women and have suffered repeatedly and a white woman rescued and treasured your heart, then I am all for it, but please, and I do mean that, please do not group all black women into that awful category I know to which some do belong.  So my problem is with the denigration of black women by black men.

I was not so much disturbed when I saw black men with women from other races besides white.  It still caused a level of discord within me, but not as harshly.  I am still of a generation who, though we came up just after Jim Crow, still suffered so many blatant racist acts at the hands of whites that the "prized white women" mentality still rises to the top of my consciousness when I see a mixed couple.  I do not do it on purpose because it is such a part of my conditioning because of the injustices I have experienced and seen; it is almost Pavlovian.  Therefore, my objection level to a mixed couple where the woman is of another "minority" is diminished because, and I think my rationale is, if I follow my own train of thought, they have also suffered at the hands of whites, so they "get it."

I also do not get as upset if the woman is black and the man is of another race.  Being a black woman, I have been subjected to all the media hype about the ratios of black men to black women, and the picture is never a pretty one.  So I do not object as strongly to my sisters finding love and happiness with a man of another race.

As I previously stated, I went through a period of grave disappointment, key word "went," past tense.  I no longer give that arena anywhere near as much of my time or energy as I once did, and because of that waning of interest and angst, I have found myself more open when I see mixed couples, especially genuinely happy mixed couples.

However, and this brings me back to my original point, the eventual loss of the individual races is something I don't see happening.  Whether it will be because of more open-minded people like myself, or from the closed-minded prejudiced elements within each race, it's going to be a battle, and one where that blending across the board will lose.  There is still too much to be learned from each individual race, and if we blend everything into one big mélange, those beautiful individualities will be lost!

Something I really enjoy doing is people watching, and part of the enjoyment is watching how the differences interact.  And I'm not even going to touch on the subsets of cultures within each individual race!  Just watching an older white woman smile back at a Hispanic baby, or a young Asian boy dance with a group of similar aged black boys, or a little white girl join in a game of tag with a group of children, all from distinct races, brings hours of smiles to my face.  This is not something that we can afford to lose.  Of course there will always be difficulties along the way, we experience them everyday.  But if we resort to trying to "erase" those differences by blending everything together, that'll just raise a different set of issues.

The first mention of "differences" is in the Bible with Noah's sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth, and has been a cultural argument down through the ages.  The actual assignment of "races" though, came much later, somewhere around the 19th century, when scientists started to try to categorize humanity based on certain physical racial characteristics.  This led to theories and assumptions and unfounded conclusions which led to the rise of racism.  If the scientists had been in a different time period or around a different group of people, who knows how that argument might have turned out.  As it is, here we are today, living with the results of institutionalized racism, and it causes people to again jump to irrational, unprovable conclusions.  I may have even jumped to some myself in researching for this post.

I still want to learn about the different races though, and I don't want to be forced to do it because of "blending" of the races.  I want enough of the original races to remain distinct, with all the distinctive characteristics evident.  I no longer have a rabid response to the mixing of the races, as long as it isn't a forced "remedy" from a pacifist's answer to relieve racism.  There will always be differences, there will always be prejudices, there will always be misunderstandings, as long as there are humans, there will always be human responses, good or bad.  But just because there is a long-standing problem does not mean that there isn't a solution.  But blending isn't it.

America used to be called "the Giant Melting Pot."  That is probably why the idea of blending is such an appealing one to some groups.  I rather like the new approach where we're now more of a "Giant Salad," all in the same bowl, but retaining our individual flavors, enhancing the flavors of the others with whom we're interacting.

I like me, with all my flaws and foibles, strengths and wisdom, beauty and scars.  So many have benefited from me being myself, myself included, that I would never go back to the people pleasing, go-along-to-get-along wall flower I once was.  Being ourselves is the best gift to the world that we can offer; why would we want to give that up to become a carbon copy of someone else?  That would ruin the whole idea of individuality!

I'm against losing our uniqueness, but I am interested in how you feel about it.  Let me know in the comments below.

Humbly submitted,

The Psalmist

Dreaming again

So I had a dream last night.

I haven't had dreams I remember for years, so last night was very significant. I started dreaming again in December while hospitalized, and that's when I recognized that God was still with me (I was so far down that I'd given up). I didn't think He had abandoned me (I still held on to His promise that He'd never leave or forsake me), but I did think that He was just standing by, like everyone else, just watching me drown and not thinking me worth the effort to even try to help me.

Anyway, to the dream...I was leaving someplace at night, and these three women were following me, I didn't immediately recognize that they were following me until we were in an area with fewer people. As I tried to rush to my car, they started to rush me. The fear I felt awakened me.

When my heart calmed down enough from that fright, I began to understand it's significance. I was bombarded last year with trial after test after trial after test, most of them not having the "courtesy" to wait until the last test or trial was over, but kept mounting at sometimes multiple tests at the same time of varying intensities. I let a few people (I thought were friends) know what was going on and tried to keep it moving.  Most of the time though, I was drowning.  I kept saying I was tired, or overwhelmed, and I would get tepid responses, if I got responses at all.

But I'm descending again, so moving on...

The three women represented depression, bitterness, and hopelessness. They had been dogging my heels all this time, but I didn't recognize it until I saw how my circle kept dwindling. The more I cried out, the smaller my circle got. Some people asked me where my faith was, and how was my prayer life. I was so deep in despair, and I was so overwhelmed, they were almost non-existent. I didn't even believe that God heard me anymore, because I couldn't believe that He could not only allow all this stuff to happen at the same time, but that i would be abandoned by the very people I thought He had sent to help me get through this excruciatingly gruesome time in my life. I found out, the painful way, that they were not (my heart is still in recovery over that one).

As I said, my circle got smaller, but it didn't totally disintegrate, and there were a few who hung in there with me, who recognized that my need for contact was vital to my sanity and healing. They prayed with and for me, offered help, called me while I was in the hospital, offered to come take care of me while I recuperated, and have kept checking on me even to this day.

I'm still battling bitterness but less and less because I had to just let go of the selfish ones. Because of how I am, I dismiss selfishness often at the expense of my own emotional health. Well, that's another lesson learned, no more. If you were one of those to whom I offered an ear, a shoulder, advice, etc. while I was going through my own hell, yet you never even inquired about my well-being, you may have noticed a fierce cooling off...well, that's because of you...bye!

I now have recovered enough strength and faith to get back on the prayer wagon, and my desire to reestablish my relationship with God has been greatly rekindled.  I have gained some more wisdom and insight into humanity that will probably remind me to keep my circle extremely small. I have to really trust God to send whom He chooses for my circle, and not despair so much when the Judases appear because they too, unfortunately, are vital to my story.

This wasn't one of these happy stories, but it is to serve as medicine. Sometimes life serves us bitter pills that destroy some parts of us, but if those parts aren't destroyed, 1. they will hinder us from moving forward, and 2. their destruction now allows room for more of the beneficial things to be planted and flourish and expand.

From the broken, but healing, heart of

The Psalmist

Intimidation and Fear: Stumbling Blocks or Stepping Stones?

Intimidation and fear can be the tools that hold you back or spur you on!

When I first heard the expression “Getting Her” from a friend on Facebook, I had a few questions, but instead of asking, I just decided to watch for posts tagged with that label to get an idea of what that all meant.  That method proved very educational.  I don’t know if that was the original intent of the founder, but I am so glad she stepped out on faith with her vision to empower women who were intimidated and afraid of some aspect of their lives, but stepped out anyway.  Brava!

I was eventually invited to join the group after an epiphany of my own.  I had reached an all-time high in my weight, and then a few weeks later, a tornado of health challenges that threatened to break my will to live.  With prayer and a new-found burst of determination, I decided that no matter what, no matter how long it took, I was going to lose the weight and realize some back-burnered dreams that had been tabled for far too long.

The weight loss has slowly begun to materialize and with it, a rosier outlook.  My health, however had taken on even more challenges.  That still has not dimmed the determination.  I may not be able to exercise as vigorously as when I started out, and until they figure out what is causing this new health challenge, my eating habits have had to adapt to seemingly endless changes, yet I still persevere.

Because of these new challenges, I was momentarily stalled in my quest to allow my dreams to re-emerge from the shadows.  Not until the writing of this post did I recognize the reason for the challenges: to stall me in my quest to polish up those very dreams that cause the enemy to drop what he’s doing and swing his attention my way.

God is allowing these challenges, I guess, to help me to see that I am, and have been, so much stronger than I had originally thought.  Things that used to make me collapse in a puddle of tears, now spur me to ask “What am I to learn from this?” People that used to make me run in the opposite direction, now cause me to ascend into heartfelt prayers for their well-being.  That song, “I’m Stronger” keeps playing over and over in my head when I feel the threat of returning to my old practice of "retreat and hide."

Someone (very wise) recently said to me, “You didn’t think you were that important, did you?” This was in answer to a moment of weakness when I wailed, “Why is the enemy fighting me so much? Why is all this happening to me all at once?”  No, I didn’t think I was that important, I didn't think my actions (or inaction) mattered that much in the grand scheme of things, I thought there were far more educated, more experienced, more qualified people to do what I thought I was being asked to do.  What I have (finally) begun to recognize though, is that there is no one more qualified than me to do what God has ordained for me to do, in the way that He has ordained for me to do it, when He has ordained for me to do it!  So as far as God is concerned, I am important!  How about that?!?!

Sure, I still feel the slings and arrows (and boulders and mosquito bites, and bombs and backhands) of intimidation and fear, but I have gained a new perspective on how to look at them, and in doing so, how to face them and learn from them, and now, how to use them to make my own journey more fruitful.  I may stumble, but I have learned how to get back up, dust myself off, straighten my crown, and continue to stride purposefully into my destiny.  I have learned how to put intimidation and fear into their respective places and use them as the stepping stones to my victory, instead of the stumbling blocks and obstacles they once were.  Because I was so often the victim of intimidation and fear, I strive to be ever mindful of my own words and actions, so that I do not make victims of the very ones to whom I am sent to minister.  I may not always succeed, but with God doing the driving, I’ll know how to make amends.

I guess I'm finally getting her!

My time...but for what?

There’s a Right Time for Everything

There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

-- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (MSG)

I'm going to bare some nasty inner truth, but take the entire ride with me, don't just get off when it gets too rough.

Sometimes I absolutely hate going to church!  There I said it, it's out, now I can breathe...

Now I feel the need to explain...

I was brought up Episcopalian--Catholic-lite, if you will--and thought I was doomed to the watered down, constantly repetitive, hypocritical, snooty version of Jesus I was being taught.  I knew there was more to it however, than what I was being forced to endure, because every year, a "holiness" church would pitch a tent in a vacant lot not far from my childhood home. They would show another side, a more expressive, spontaneous, vulnerable side to Christianity than to what I had become accustomed.  I liked that, but because it went against my upbringing, I had to sneak out of the house to attend those.  It was worth it though, because my heart was opened to what being a Christian was more about, and it was there where I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

Fast forward 20 years, and I had finally wrenched myself away from the doldrums of rote worship and found a place that was more like those tent meetings from my youth.  Initially, I was happy--freedom to express my innermost feelings, approachable Bible teachers I could ask questions of, ability to use some more of my gifts, etc.


Then...I found out that these people were just like the other people, just as hypocritical, ready to criticize, not as willing to help, etc.  What I didn't know, and I have finally come to learn, was that all people have these faults, no matter where I go; the difference is how many churches are brave enough to admit to having these vulnerabilities on their roster?  It took me many years, and many tears, before I was able to separate the people's actions from Who God Is.


I experienced the highs and the lows, I experienced the love and the hate, I experienced the victories and the defeats, I experienced the abundance and the lack.  I went through so much, but I learned from each experience.  I was able to learn to discern between who was really being sent by God, and who was acting out of their fleshly desires.  I learned that not everybody set in the pulpit by the pastor was meant to be there (yes, pastors are fallible too!).  I learned that I can sometimes learn more from the humble mother next to me in the pew, than the most exalted officer of the church staff, if I paid attention to the real lesson God was trying to teach me.  I learned that just because you're loud doesn't mean you're right, or even know what you're talking about (that one applies in life as well, not just in church!).  I learned that just because the sanctuary is quiet, doesn't necessarily mean that it's a welcoming environment to the Holy Spirit. So many lessons learned through the years, and so many still to be learned, and some to be re-learned, but my dread of church has definitely lessened.  Here's why:


As children, we're taught to not question authority, to respect our elders, to submit to those placed over us.  I took that to heart and it carried well into my adult years.  I endured abusive leaders, unsympathetic elders, false prophets, etc. because I thought that's what I was "supposed" to do, in my obedience to their positions.  Then I witnessed something one night that shocked me so much, it changed my entire outlook on how leadership should be.


At a service one night, under the ministry of a "prophet."  They were ministering to a line of people in front of them, and finally came to a person I greatly respected.  When the "prophet" began to speak, I heard the person, stop them almost immediately and said, "No, that's not me."  First of all, I didn't even know that anyone was allowed to do that!  I was so shocked!  Then the "prophet" went on to divulge some other items, when the person stopped them again, and said, "No, that's definitely not me, and I don't receive any of it."  They then turned and walked back to their seat.  They weren't loud or obnoxious, in fact they were very calm and respectful, but they were very firm and clear that what was being said to and about them was incorrect.


The reaction of the "prophet" was less than complimentary.  It was obvious that they were not used to being questioned, much less rebuffed, because their arrogance immediately came to the fore, and they began berating the individual pointedly.  I understood that their feelings were hurt and their ego took a major bruising, but if you're truly a prophet sent by God, then my understanding of your response should have been one of two things: either clarify the "misinformation," or  apologize to the individual for speaking out of turn, and to immediately go into prayer for clarification, stopping any further erroneous activity.  This is just my interpretation of things, so I acknowledge that there still is so much to learn, but I believe in at least those two steps.


Before this incident, I hated going to church during those seasons of false prophecy because I endured so much more "junk" being heaped on me than what I was already enduring.  I became depressed because of the lies and false accusations that were being hurled at me, often in front of entire congregations.  I also endured false predictions of things to come that never materialized, dimming my fervor for service.  But after that night...I learned to say no!  I often didn't even have to say anything, my demeanor spoke volumes, and only the truly confident or real prophets dared approach me or call me out.  I've still maintained my respect for the office and the calling, but unlike my previous sheep-like behavior, I no longer accept everything that comes out of their mouths without examination.


One other experience also helped turn my heart back to God and the church.  This was after my above experience.  Our church has just come out of a season of revival, complete with several guest preachers.  One of the guests went so far "off the reservation" that I really expected people to start walking out.  When they didn't, I chalked it up to shock and the resulting paralysis. At the conclusion of the revival, our pastor got up to speak, and apologized to us all for the offense and hurt we had endured at the hand of the guest preacher.  That was also something I had never experienced before, a pastor apologizing.  And I came to understand that because the people had the pastor's heart they didn't walk out, but waited to see how the pastor would address it, and their love and devotion paid off.  He apologized to the seasoned members, but especially to the newly converted, explaining the errors and why they were so dangerous.  I learned to love and honor my pastor, and in addition to already respecting the office, I learned to respect the person holding the office.


There have been so many experiences through the following years, from all parts of the spectrum, but I've learned to examine them through the keen lens of the Word of God.  And when I wasn't able to immediately find a corresponding passage of Holy Scripture against which to examine the question, I would simply ask the Holy Spirit to help me understand what was in front of me, whether person, place or thing.


Which (finally) brings me to my topic, "My time...but for what?"  Because I really do like going to prophetic conferences and sitting under prophets, I've come across a lot of things in my life.  One common thread I've found though, is the expression, "It's your time."  This expression is almost universally used as a method of encouragement, sometimes with follow-up and explanation, and sometimes as a standalone.   It's the standalones that still give me pause.  It's my time...but for what?


My experience with prophecy is this: if God gave you a message for me, then He is going to tailor it to me.  It is not going to be like anyone else's message, because I am not like anyone else.  God knows I have an analytical mind (He made me that way, after all), and if I get a vague or incomplete message, I'm going to gnaw on it and question it until I get some answers, either from the person delivering the message, or from God Himself.  So that is often my measuring stick for a true vs. a false prophet.  If you can't give me guidance on what you just said, then I am going to reject everything you said because either, 1. You didn't get that from God, or 2. You didn't sit with Him long enough to get the complete message, thus making me question anything else you may have said.  So if you come to me with a simple, "It's your time," be prepared to be grilled!


I don't mean to sound disrespectful or presumptuous or even obnoxious, I just know that if God sends a message to anyone, He wants them to be obedient to it.  Now, how can one be obedient if one doesn't understand the message?  Whether it's a message of caution, repentance, deliverance, healing, cause for celebration, or whatever, the recipient shouldn't go away questioning the message. 


I put prophets on notice because I hold them to a very high standard, they are, after all, the mouthpieces of God here on Earth.  That is not an office to be taken lightly, by the prophet, the people surrounding the prophet, or the people receiving the message from the prophet.  I know there are some whose demeanors are off-putting, but again, if they are really sent by God, with a message from God, God will prepare the recipient to receive the message, regardless of the vessel delivering it.


I have sat in the presence of some very anointed people who, I believe, were operating under the anointing of prophecy, and so I have learned a few things along the way.  One, prayer is key.  There is no way the person can operate under such a deep and heavy anointing without having an extremely rich and active prayer life.  Two, humility is essential.  The prophet, although anointed of God, is still human, and must acknowledge their own faults and shortcomings as such.  If they know that they are not operating in the prophetic anointing or that there is something going on in their lives that may be "blocking" the anointing, don't try to "work something up," be humble enough to say that the anointing has lifted and that going forward would be in opposition to the move of God.  Also, because of that humility, recognize that the message may not always be received immediately or readily; be humble enough not to get offended or offer any more or less than what was instructed by God.  And three, be prepared for the unexpected.  I believe that though the prophet may have really sat with God and was sufficiently prepared, if God decides to "surprise" the prophet, then it is for their own edification, and they should be open to receive the lesson for them, because there is, after all, a time for everything, a time to plant and a time to reap.


There was my time to shut up, but now is my time to speak up.  I have had too many lessons deposited into my life, and now it is time for me to share them.  It is my time...but for what?  To be a conduit of God's wonders and lessons for life in whatever form He chooses.  As of now, I only write when I'm moved to, but the time will come when this will be shared to the very ones to whom He wants them directed.  Until then, my time is to sow...until it's time to reap.

Smelly offenses

My guilt overwhelms me—it is a burden too heavy to bear.  My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins. - Psalm.38:4-5 NLT


Have you ever made the mistake of leaving something a little too long in the refrigerator and been reminded by an unmistakable rotting odor sometime later?  So you go rooting around in the fridge until you find the offending item to get rid of it.  Sometimes the odor has permeated other items and you end up having to get rid of some items that would otherwise have been "good" had they not been in the same place as that smelly item.


Well, so are some of those things we have buried and forgotten or refused to deal with.  Those things that happened so long ago that though they still affect our behavior, the actual event was never dealt with.  How about those things we did to someone else that because it happened so long ago, we think that an apology now would be fruitless?  Maybe those things we've kept hidden for fear of being judged by others, we refuse to deal with. 


Anything hidden will come to light.  How so?  By the behaviors that have grown out of that manure that we don't even recognize are a direct result of the hidden offense/offender.  Have we become promiscuous, but can't pinpoint why?  Do we immediately turn to negativity as a defense mechanism?  Have alcohol or drugs become a balm to soothe a deep ache?  Do we denigrate another as a way to make ourselves look better?  Has pornography become a crutch to achieve sexual fulfillment? All these, and so many more, are merely the symptoms of deep-seated hurts that were never faced, either as the offender or the victim.  And just like that offending item in the fridge, it can affect so much else that would otherwise have been good, but now carries the taint of that "rotting secret."


This past Sunday we were asked to search ourselves. Sometimes those journeys within are less than pleasant.  In truth, they can be downright traumatic, but in order for complete healing to take place, it must be performed.  Tears will fall, feelings may get hurt, divisions may arise, but eventually healing will come if the root is dealt with correctly, that is, in the light of God's Word.


These spiritual and emotional "surgeries" cannot take place lightly, for if misguided, they may cause more harm than good and the healing purpose sought becomes even farther away and may even become more septic.  Any deep seeking must always be done under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the anointed Word of God.  When man undertakes such tasks without the guidance of the Hand of God, perceptions can be skewed, false memories can be introduced, and myriad other forms of damage can occur.


But when it's done right, oh the freedom, the healing, the rebirth!  It's like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, struggling to be free, but when finally free from its prison, its lithe beauty is a wonder to behold, often blessing others by its very presence.


Search your heart, do you need to go under the Surgeon's knife?  Unsure?  Take a look in the mirror, or take stock of how you behave or react.  Study your actions or methods and see if you do something that, until now, you've never questioned its reasoning.  Your healing could be right around the corner, but because you're "smelly," instead, everyone can tell that you're right around the corner.  You may not think that there is anything wrong, yet you wonder why "certain" people react certain ways around you.  Could it be something you're giving off?


We have too many wounded warriors going into battle not recognizing that we have holes in our armor, or that we're bleeding under the armor.  We have too many battles ahead of us to go in so ill-prepared.  There are many men and women of God who are fully equipped to aid in these journeys, but seek God first before seeking them out.  Sometimes God wants to do this healing without any other human interaction...but you won't know unless you ask.


Cleaning out the fridge is not a pleasant task, but it is necessary, especially if something is spoiling the pleasant experience you expected when you opened it.  The same with life, it can be pleasant, but if something unpleasant is in the way, it can spoil the entire experience.

Don't let my demanor fool you!

Keep alert at all times. And pray that you might be strong enough to escape these coming horrors and stand before the Son of Man.” - Luke 21:36 (NLT)


On my way to church yesterday, I noticed a bird on the wires overhead.  As I drove closer, I recognized a hawk, and because it was raining, I assumed its head was bowed to stave off the elements.  As I got even closer however, I saw that it was not in a complacent  or even self-protective stance at all, but was very closely studying something in the bushes across the road.


I received a message instantly about my mistake; it was directed at people like me who jump to conclusions about a person's demeanor, instead of relying on and sharpening my discernment.  Sometimes we will see someone in prayer, with their head bowed, and even though we may know them very well and know that they have one of the sharpest discerning spirits around, we may still assume that in that moment of prayer their guard may be down.  It may be at that moment however, when they may be at their sharpest, most aware of whatever and whomever is around them.  They may even be praying for that situation that you have shared with no one, but God dropped it into their basket, and they're being obedient to His command to pray you through it.  Don't mistake their demeanor for weakness or distraction.




As I began typing this message I received another message.  Just because your situation has calmed down, don't think that the enemy isn't studying you, looking for another way in.  The scriptures do warn us that he is like a roaring lion, roaming about, seeking whom he may devour.  The lion's roar is a warning to put your guard up and get somewhere safe, but what if he doesn't roar, and like the hawk is silently watching your every move, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce?  That's when the scripture Matthew 24:43-44a (MSG) becomes applicable: "But you do know this: you know that if the homeowner had known what time of night the burglar would arrive, he would have been there with his dogs to prevent the break-in. Be vigilant just like that."  Always be on guard where the enemy is concerned, never let your guard down.  And when you become weary, ask the Holy Spirit to stand watch over your soul, He's always on post.

9/10/01 Lessons

"This is a haunting image of the World Trade Center during a dramatic storm. It was snapped on September 10, 2001, one day prior to the 9/11 Attacks. Even amidst the turbulent winds, cracking thunder, and stone-cold rain, the towers stand tall and strong for their final hours. This photo not only serves as a reminder to the American People of September 11th’s events, but symbolizes the strength needed to endure a difficult time."

That was the original caption printed under this, now, haunting image. What it brought to mind is resilience. It served as a reminder that although storms loomed on the horizon, although the trouble that came next was even worse than could have been imagined, although the subsequent horrors we survived came out of left field, although countless lost their lives, and although the nation was centered around NY, the effect was felt worldwide, we carried on, we bounced back. Through tears, broken bodies, and rubble, we still rose from the ashes, wiser and warier.

We may be gearing up for the battle of our lives, and some things may come from left field, but we've found that despite differences, when we come together, we can get through even the murkiest of circumstances.

Some have already begun to rally, sounding the war cry, while others prefer to hang back, conserving their strength, strategizing, awaiting the real war; regardless on where the gamut we fall, we may fall together, but we also rise together.

I post this from a heart that is both heavy with fear of possibilities and light with hope for possibilities.  My eyes have been opened, and so has my heart, but make no mistake, in the face of battle, my fist is closed.  I could cast aspersions, but that would be energy wasted, when it is better spent in prayer and preparation.

Some are standing in "The battle is not yours, it's the Lord's," while others are standing in "He trains my hands for battle, He strengthens my arm to draw a bow of bronze." The both are from the same manual, the Holy Scriptures, so I stand in both, behind God, my General, my Commander in Chief. I ask for a heart and body strong enough to see my convictions through.

But as of right now, I wait... 

Standing in the Gap

1 Samuel 25

More often than not, when we as born again Christians, hear the phrase “standing in the gap,” we automatically think of praying for someone, of going to God on their behalf.  But let me take it one step deeper, standing in the gap means exactly that, there is a space that needs to be filled, and are you willing to put yourself, not just spiritually, but physically, in that place for someone?

Parents will often automatically answer with a resounding, “YES!” when it comes to their children, and some partners may say that about their spouses, but for the most part, bodily harm or some threat thereabouts will cause a person to pause and shy away from being their “brother’s keeper.”  Let’s be honest, modern day conveniences and creature comforts have softened our resolve to “live and die for Christ.”  So many times we say we would lay down our all for the cause of Christ from the safety of the sanctuaries we frequent on Sunday mornings.  But recently, even the safety of our sanctuaries have been breached, so much so that I have even heard many fall behind the banner of calling for arming their security teams.

This recognition of our being “watered down” may not be shocking to some, as many have heard the clarion call back to Holiness, heeding our Master’s Voice, and feeling the pull on the link to the anchor that keeps us from drifting too far.  But for some, just the idea that we have drifted at all sends shockwaves through their very being, not recognizing how much their “over-tolerant” behavior has pulled them from the Master’s Side, causing the choppy seas of tribulation to rock their boats (but that’s a topic for another day).  Today, I want to get back to “standing in the gap.”

I was listening to a teacher expound on a lesson about King David and Abigail, and conducted a study on the effects of  another issue in the King’s life that caused his seemingly outrageous reaction to Nabal’s insubordination (again, for another day).  The supporting text was, of course, 1 Samuel 25.  What struck me was Abigail’s response, and thus my subject, standing in the gap.

Synopsis of the chapter: King David had protected Nabal’s land and property and so when he wanted to come for a visit, he sent word to Nabal to help him and his servants out.  Nabal sent a very nasty negative response back to King David.  The King, being justifiably angered, vowed to kill Nabal and all his clan.  Abigail, Nabal’s wife, got wind of King David’s plans and hurried to meet him with gifts of her own, in hopes of swaying his wrath. David relented on her say so, God punished Nabal with sickness and death, and Abigail became David’s wife.  Oh, side note: Nabal had a notoriously nasty personality, so this behavior wasn’t unusual, but come on dude, the King?

Anyway, Abigail, being a godly wife, still wanting to save her husband and her household, went to stand in the gap for her husband.  She hoped that by meeting with the King before he had a chance to carry out his destructive plot, that she would somehow sway his resolve for this justified destruction.  Now if you remember your historical facts about approaching a King without being invited, you remember that that in itself carried a death sentence.  So Abigail was really putting herself out there for her husband.  Not only was she going against the law of the land, but she was also going up against the very justifiable wrath of the King, who was already on his way to wipe out her family and any associates.

When Abigail came within sight of King David, she descended from her donkey and ran to meet him, falling at his feet.  She then began to remind him of all his deeds, of her husband’s stupidity (his name “Nabal” did mean “fool”), but more importantly, of the Lord’s promise fulfillment over the King’s life.  She also alerted him to the foolishness of exacting vengeance for himself when vengeance belonged to the Lord (smart woman, invoking God’s laws and promises). That’s what standing in the gap truly is, putting your life on the line for another, and reminding them (and the Lord) of the promises of God and the punishments for disobeying God, of pleading with God on their behalf.

Jesus did the same thing with 10 simple words: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.  He did it from the cross, His life already laid down for us. He rushed into the Father’s presence in the Garden of Gethsemane, and even though it meant His life, He still went ahead pleading our case before a justifiably enraged God.

When we study the Holy Scriptures, we are often shown types and shadows of future occurrences, and here was yet another example of the tremendous sacrifice that Christ Jesus would make being foretold in the story of David, Abigail and Nabal.  So often we just read these “stories” just to read them, and just to reacquaint ourselves with what was going on at the time, but there is so much richness intertwined within these seemingly simply daily happenings.  This is what I found when I went to reread this story myself; I went to read for one reason, but came away with a whole different understanding. 

Won’t He do it?

This feeling

I need your help to define this new emotion I'm experiencing. I just saw "The Birth of a Nation," and yes, my initial responses were profound sadness and rage.  But, like perfume, the initial reaction has now passed, and the deeper, more lasting effect remains. I feel a form of contempt and familiarity, a renewed sense of self worth and purpose, an underlying pity and shame, and yet a powerful hopefulness riding on faith.

This movie and it's accompanying effects and emotions, are not for everyone, for few will know how to handle the rush and multitude of the reactions responsibly...I am unsure of whether or not I may even be one of them.  It comes at a time when we cannot cry "#blacklivesmatter" loudly enough, yet still receive resistance and apathy, pathetically enough, sometimes from our own. But what this movie has helped me to recognize is that with every battle, there will always be Benedict Arnold's and Judases, willing and unwilling.  I can no longer blame them.  They, like Patty Hearst and countless others, have been brainwashed so completely that they actually believe the filth that their captors are spewing.  I will leave them to their own paths, and pray I am elsewhere when they experience their inevitable, unenviable end.

But still, I am left feeling this feeling that am at a loss to define. I want to do something, but am at a loss as to what. I have so much to do, but am at a loss as to where to start. I have so much to say, but am at a loss as to how to convey the depth of it all.

I wish I could explain this feeling...

This forgiveness thing

Jesus has been really working me over with this forgiveness thing.  For the past few weeks, the subject of forgiveness has been coming up in some form or another.  I'm sensitive to it because I seem to have a little bit of trouble forgiving.


I replay wrongs over and over.  I revisit situations over and over.  I rehash arguments over and over. I "re..." over and over...

Just let it go!

I want so much to let it go, but "something" keeps me holding on.  I now recognize that that "something" is a tactic of the enemy. He is only able to do it because lately I haven't given my mind anything better with which to replace those ungodly thoughts.  Philippians 4:8 says: "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."   I haven't been doing that; I've been foolishly going back to "my own vomit," as Proverbs 26:11 lays out, and falling prey to his schemes that try to lead me toward depression.  I haven't "fixed" my thoughts, I let them come and go, flittering away like a butterfly.  Isn't it funny how the things I should hold onto I easily let go of, while the things I need to let go of, are caught like in a steel trap?  Hmmmmmm...


I say to myself that I have every reason to be angry.  I have every reason to be upset.  I have every reason to be hurt.  I have every reason to react the way I do.  I have every reason to "rage against the machine."  BUT that does not give me the RIGHT!  Because I gave my life to Jesus (coming up on 43 years ago), I gave up that right to be ruled by my own feelings and distorted perceptions.  Because I made Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, He rules my life, and that includes my feelings and perceptions.  I gave Him my heart, the seat of my feelings and perceptions, I gave Him my mind, the origin of these thoughts and perceptions, I gave Him my soul, the vehicle for those feelings and perceptions.  After all this time, I'm supposed to have a better handle on things, right?


I am still clothed in flesh and so still struggle daily with temptations and distractions, but if I keep my mind stayed...


Wait, wait, wait a minute, I'm doing what I hate to hear other Christians do, spouting scripture when faced with a real, everyday issues.  I'm like a lot of you: I know the scriptures, I've read them numerous times.  I've heard them numerous times.  I've written about them numerous times.  They are imbedded in my memory, but I don't always remember that they are there.  As I get older, if I don't constantly find a way to keep these reminders at the forefront, I will fail, and that's a fact.


Here's some practical advice given to me at various times along my own journey:


1. Start the day in prayer.  This sets the tone for the day.  Prayer doesn't have to be long and drawn out; it can be as simple as "Good Morning Daddy, thanks for letting me sleep and awaken, let's get this day started!"


2. Keep the dialog going all day.  Talk with Him at every opportunity about everything, whether internally or out loud.  Ask Him about your wardrobe for the day, the accessories, have breakfast/lunch/dinner with Him.  Point out different things to Him (it's not like He didn't see it, but it keeps the "line" open).


3. If during morning devotional time, a particular scripture is given to you, write it down (put it in your phone's notepad for quick reference), or somewhere where you can get to it quickly throughout the day.  Refer to it periodically as a reminder of the day's thought and focus.


4. Because prayer is a two-way conversation (imagine that?!!?!  You mean it's not the time to be mesmerized by the mellifluous tones of your own voice?  No. It. Is. NOT! It's the time to speak to God and to be SPOKEN TO BY GOD!), be prepared to quiet your mind enough to hear an answer or an acknowledgment of your greeting.  God loves our conversations, He longs to talk with us, but too many only want to talk, and not listen.  Sometimes we want to blame our overloaded schedules, but if we had placed the schedule in His Hands and asked Him to put things in their proper place, maybe we wouldn't feel so overwhelmed and rushed, and unable to "make time" for HIM.  Hmmmm...guilty...


5. Meditate on HIM and with HIM at times during the day.  Find that morning focal scripture and place it before you.  Speak it out loud.  Pepper the atmosphere with it, and then focus on it.  Let it's relevance wash over you.  Weep if you need to.  Laugh if you have to.  Dance if you want to.  Let it do what it's meant to do for you.


6. If a crisis arises during the day, don't panic.  I know, your flesh wants to go screaming into the street, "Why me, LORD?  Why now?"  But that is another distracting tactic of the enemy.  Try to refocus on Jesus.  Maybe that's why you were given that particular focal scripture today, to prepare you for what He already knew was heading your way.  Focus your attention on The Answer, not the crisis.


7.  End the day in prayer.  Talk over the day's happenings with Him.  Laugh about the laughable.  Cry over the upsetting.  Talk over the upcoming solutions.  And let it rest in His Hands.  I once heard it said that "A day hemmed in prayer, is like a quilt; it unravels without it."  That is quite true.  Starting the day without it allows the day to meander wherever without a set direction.  Ending a day without it allows the day to spill over into our dreams, or worse, the next day.  At the end of the day, hand it all over to Him, and, here's a novel concept, Go. To. Sleep.

Now you may be wondering, what does any of this have to do with forgiveness?  Well, I'm glad you asked!  Forgiveness is often wrapped up in "me, myself and I."  "They did that to me, and I can't forgive them!"  "I can't believe they did that!  They knew that would hurt me!" "Why would they do that, after all I've done for them?"  The focus is on yourself.  When we start, continue and end the day in prayer with and to the Lord God, it takes the focus off us and puts it where it belongs, on HIM.

When we allow ourselves to see the deeds of others from His viewpoint, the wrongs take on a different meaning and affect us a little differently.  For one, the hurt, though still painful, is not as harsh because the Holy Spirit is right there (because you've been in His presence all day) to help shoulder the load, or, if you let Him, take it all on Himself.  When we see it from His perspective, the lesson may become immediately apparent (notice I said the word "may" because the lesson may be more of a long-term session, rather than an immediate quiz), than it would have without His consultation.  You're able to see more of "why they did it" instead of "why they did it to me."

Given some of these new perspectives, forgiveness becomes a little easier and comes a little quicker.  It doesn't require so much debate and inner turmoil because the immediate discussion with God can eliminate the "flesh, heart and mind inner discussions," if you let it happen.  Letting go of past hurts and pain happens with less trauma because the Doctor has been with you every step of the way: from bringing your attention to the problem, diagnosing the root cause, accompanying you into the operating room, administering the anesthetic, guiding the Surgeon's Hands, removing the infected tissue, sewing up the wound, applying the Balm, wrapping you up in The Comforter, transporting you back to recovery, and being with you every step of the way through your healing process.

This "forgiveness thing" only happens if you want it to.  It's up to you if you want to revisit the places of past hurt and pain after you've already been in the operating room to remove it from you.  It would be your own foolishness in that instance (but sadly, we are foolish beings, and sometimes a trial has to be repeated in order for it's intended message to stick).

We've all heard the adage, "Practice makes perfect."  Well, that is so true in the practice of the things of God.  We have to "practice" being in His presence until it becomes so commonplace that not being there is like not being able to breathe. The same with not revisiting the places and people of past hurts and pain.  If God removed you from that environment and those people from our lives, why go back? Why invite them back into your new peaceful chaos-free zone?  Your compassion may want them to have as much peace as you, but they made that choice, and in inviting them back, they may end up stealing your long-awaited and hard-earned peace of mind.  Don't do it!  Let them be!  Pray for them from afar, but hold onto your peace!  1 Peter 3:10-11 says, "He who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit.  Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it."  Not everyone is willing to pursue after their peace.  You have!  You've done the Michael Phelps, why would you give up your medals because of the Ryan Lochte's of the world?  Practice holding on to the forgiveness and the peace that comes with it.  You deserve it!  Jesus died for it, and you pursued it.  It's yours to keep!

He leads me beside the quiet streams

Of course, the very same people who hurt you in the past are apt to hurt you again.  The thing about that is if you were able to forgive the first time, and you've practiced this forgiveness constantly, forgiving them again will get gradually easier.  After a while, either it won't even hurt anymore, or the Lord will remove them from you.  But you have to remain in constant communication with Him in order to know the how's and when's of those circumstances.  Practicing being in His presence will facilitate all of that.

The alternative is, well, you know...