Post surgery

So, Monday the 9th was the big day! The day that I finally got my lower back work done. Dr Mark Eskander did an L3 to L5 fusion and an S1 to L3 laminectomy. From what I understand everything went well. I am on some pretty decent painkillers because I actually walked into the apartment with a walker with very little pain. I took my second dose of Tylenol and Tramadol about an hour ago because the wound was starting to bother me when I got up to use the bathroom. But all in all I still feel pretty good enough to even say that after next week I might very well be able to go back to work! I'm going to get up tomorrow and try to... Well it's already tomorrow so I guess I'm going to get up later today and see if I can drive to Walmart. I need a handheld shower head to give myself a proper cleaning and maybe a couple other things but that's the main thing. So I'm thanking God and all the prayer warriors that held me up because I did not expect to feel this good after 5 days post surgery I expected to be in major pain unable to move unable to do anything. I got in the house I was able to walk around without the walker! So God be praised Amen!

WAKANDA FOREVER!

So, yesterday evening Chadwick Boseman died at the age of 43 from colon cancer. It was reported that he had been battling it for four years while he made some of the most iconic movies of his career.

I can't even begin to express how heartbroken I am. Not just because this man who had dedicated his acting career to recreating the lives of so many African American, scratch that, BLACK heroes, has now exited stage left, but that it comes on the same day that we're celebrating the 57th anniversary of the March on Washington by Dr. King. All this during a time when so many hearts are already bleeding and bruised from the most recent killing of a young man who was trying to break up a fight, but because he was walking away from a so-called police officer, he was shot seven freaking times in the back?!?!?! I don't know how much more my poor heart can take?!?!

I guess I'm going to have to find out how much more my heart can take. The incident with Jacob Blake hurts even more because just a few days later a 17 year old white boy in Kenosha Wisconsin shot 3 people, killing two, then casually walked by with the gun in his hands past police officers, while people were screaming and pointing that he had just shot people?!?! He wasn't even detained, pulled over, paused, or questioned! He was allowed to go home to his family, from where he was PEACEFULLY ARRESTED THE NEXT DAY!?!????!!!

My heart is so battered and bruised right now from the litany of inequities perpetually allowed to rain on Black folk in this country that I honestly don't know how much more our people can take. This seems to be leading up to the explosion of a powder keg of such epic proportions, the fallout will be felt for generations, and I don't know if that's going to be a good thing. I would pray that the resulting reparations, however they are doled out, would help ease some of the generations of pain already endured, but no amount of reparations, in whatever form, will ever be able to soothe the amount of hurt and degradation and...

When we saw the depiction of a fictional world where an African nation was so far advanced that the other nations appeared "third world" in comparison, our hearts, minds and spirits were temporarily buoyed, if only for the time while we were in the theaters, drinking in the sweet nectar of a dream yet unfulfilled. When we saw the meek, humble, yet powerful and passionate imagery of an African King whose wise deployment of supremely advanced technology, and it's resulting abundance of wealth, our hearts soared at the thought of a wise and benevolent ruler whose skin color reflected our own.  But when we got to know the actors behind these pride-infusing depictions, we couldn't have been prouder to welcome them to the cookout.  

"Black Panther" was more than just a movie for more than just me. It was a gathering place for pride and being Black, and being part of the African diaspora. It was a show of strength, a quiet strength that has always been a part of our people. It was a time to laugh and enjoy what we already knew was so richly and deeply a part of the Black experience. For me, it was just another room at the already overwhelming African American Museum of History and Culture in DC, a place I had quickly come to call one of my favorite places.

I am still so shocked that the Marvel Omniverse put so much into the making of that movie. I know some have said that it was just part of their financial plan building up to the final Marvel superheroes movies, but somehow it seemed a little bit more than that...

Anyway, now that one of those famous heroes, and I don't mean the character, I actually mean the actor, Chadwick Boseman, has gone to join the likes of Stan Lee, John Lewis, Maya Angelou, that my heart weeps, and will probably weep for a while.  

There is no way any of us could have known the lifetime into which we would live and see the atrocities that have been played out in our streets. No way we could possibly have imagined that the institutions that were put in place to keep us safe are the very ones that are being used to pick us off...or could we? Maybe here is where my naivete really does kick in.  I don't know.

But while we wait as we watch this all play out, we can still let our minds wander back to that breathtaking scene when that African prince, with his most trusted warrior at his side, said, "This never gets old," as his flightcraft breached the cloaking shield of artificial forestry to view the splendor that was WAKANDA. https://youtu.be/r8nxdAGg2FY

The new face of lynching

I am in pain...my heart hurts so much I am in a constant state of nausea...

When Colin Kaepernick knelt, there was such an uproar.

Contrast that against the multiple times that white police officers have "knelt" on our Black men. An uproar can only be heard from other Black men and mothers of Black men. Sadly, not enough came from the white nation that raised the uproar about Kaepernick's kneeling.

I love my white friends. The picture below came from a white friend's page, giving voice to her own outrage at the situation. But there are not enough of her. I've heard too many excuses about "how it's going to look?" or "how am I going to be received?" or "I have an image to maintain." Put yourself in the shoes of the grieving mother who now has to bury another Black son, and stop caring so much more about your friggin' image than the life of a man!

Obviously, just the outraged brown voices are not enough, we need the voices of ALL races to make a difference. This is one of those instances when I agree that ALL LIVES MATTER! We need all lives on deck to sound off about this increase in the "hunting season." I'm sorry if this is harsh, but the face of the "officer" looks exactly like one of the faces in the mobs who were pictured with the hanging bodies of lynched victims. His expression is a barely veiled expression of pride in what he'd done, how he'd put down the "black buck."

The tears are streaming now because my heart has overflowed.

I can't...I just can't anymore...I have nothing left.

This is why Colin knelt...

For Phil, Getting My Life

Yesterday was a day of decisions.

A man I called my singing partner, my brother and my favorite person in the world was being laid to rest. It was also the day of a conference for women who had been broken and who were sincerely seeking the Lord's Face to put us back together again...it was called "Get Your Life."

I don't do viewings, and I can barely function at funerals, but this was for someone who meant more to me than even my family because he was one of only three men in my entire life who lived out what he said when he said, "not every man will hurt you. Some will do well with your trust." And he did. Until the day he died, he lived true to his word, and I was able to always feel secure with him, knowing that my name was safe in his mouth. When I found myself giving him too much credit, or putting a Superman cape on him, a cape no man could ever really wear, he would quickly tell me how flawed he was and to not give him too much room to disappoint me.  Because of that humility, that degree of empathy and that rare knowledge of self, he never did.

So when I found out that his service was at the same time as the conference, I was heartbroken. I don't do funerals well, but this was different. His wife didn't like me, but this was different. I no longer hung with the same circle, but this was different. I kept getting anxiety symptoms when i even tried to picture him in a coffin, but this was different. I had to be there, if only to show my face.

Yesterday was a day of decisions.

Then I heard a voice very clearly say, "Why?" I knew what God was asking without asking for elaboration. Why was I putting myself through all this anguish when I already knew the answer? I couldn't go to the service because I would be a disruption because I would most likely collapse or something equally foolish, and that would tarnish all the years of brotherhood he had shown me.  I had to "Go Get my Life."

It was a day of decisions.

I had already wailed and mourned when I got the news, and will be in mourning for years to come because my heart has lost a piece of itself, but I knew that my brother would want me to "Get My Life." He was there when I had been shattered, and shed tears with me because he was unable to repair me, but prayed with me constantly while we allowed the Lord to heal me.  He pestered me to get back on the stage, to sing with him again, but I kept putting him off because that part of me was still "in the repair shop." He embodied Christ's love because he loved me,  despite me. I miss him, but I've already said my goodbyes, I've already set my face like flint and walk toward my destiny. I let one sister know of my struggle and my heartrending decision to not be at the service, and I went to "Get My Life." She concurred that he would have wanted it that way because he always wanted me to be healed.

It was a day of decisions.

At the conference, I had to decide whether my mind was going to be at the service or whether I was going to engage to "Get My Life." I chose the latter, he would have been so proud of me. I made new connections with big sisters and little sisters and mothers that I had been seeking since I met him. I decided to knock out a little space in the wall I had built around my heart to see if I could trust these women. I wanted to see if my decision would hold water. I think it did because I came away with a renewed sense of purpose and an assurance that I could make it because I had been in the company of women just like me. Women who had been shattered but were desperately seeking God's Face to help put us back together again. Women who had overcome remarkable odds and weren't just surviving, but thriving, kicking down obstacles, and sharing how we, the battle-weary, could do it also. It was that rare company of women who didn't care what you or anyone looked like, or how you got to the broken state you were in, whether it was your fault or someone else's, they were only concerned with how to help you "Get Your Life" back. It got so good that I let my guard down enough to share my own experiences and life lessons with some of the little sisters that I met. I found myself offering advice for situations I hadn't even recognized that I had overcome.

It was a day of decisions.

I had to decide whether or not I was going to take these newly unearthed tools and re-bury them, or continue to clean them up and use and share them with other women who were also shattered and seeking God's Face to help them "Get Their Life."

I decided to use them.

Yesterday was a day of decisions, and I think I made the right choices.

Phil, you would have been so proud of me.

Iced tea and discernment

Deuteronomy 11:16 NLT
But be careful. Don’t let your heart be deceived so that you turn away from the Lord and serve and worship other gods.

I have a mild allergy to sucralose. Normally I can taste it in the first sip, but every once in awhile I'm fooled by the other ingredients present. The reaction is nothing serious, just a slight elevation in body temperature, kind of like a heat flash, and some momentary sluggishness, that's on the good days. On the bad days I also get a pretty bad headache, moderate abdominal distress, and some dizziness. It has become increasingly difficult to avoid these reactions because sucralose is now found in so many beverages and I have to be pretty vigilant about reading ingredient lists.

It used to be easier to avoid these bothersome reactions because sucralose once was only found in diet drinks, which I don't drink, because the fake sugars have always caused these reactions. Now I guess the FDA has allowed it to be put into any beverage without any warning labels. Let this serve as caution to those who may also have this allergy and have not figured out why you're having strange reactions to different things. My advice: start checking the labels for sucralose or other inverted sugars.

This post came about because the other morning I decided to try a new brand of iced tea. It didn't say diet so I thought I would be safe, and foolishly, didn't read the label. I had also treated myself to one of my favorite pistachio muffins. Now because I had bitten into the muffin before I took a sip of the iced tea, my normally discerning palate was coated with pistachio goodness, and did not pick up on the taste of the sucralose in the iced tea.

I was driving while I ate, when I started to notice the familiar "creeping" sensation up the back of my neck, the wave of heat wash over my body, and the slight waviness to my vision. I immediately pulled over and checked the can. Sure enough, there was sucralose listed among the ingredients. I was both disappointed (because the iced tea was really good) and angry because the manufacturers had ruined my day because since I'd had this iced tea on an empty stomach, the more severe reactions would soon take hold. So I had to turn around and head home, my morning chore-run shot because of my mistake of not reading the label.

Anyway, on the way home, God began to speak to me about how I had let so many counterfeits slip into my circle, and been feeding on so many false messages because I hadn't been paying attention when my discernment fired. Obviously, I couldn't make any excuses because when God calls you on the carpet, He's already given you every opportunity to make the correction before He has to pull your coat.

I had been "dining" at so many corrupt tables, and not washing my heart afterwards with The Water of the Word, my discernment had gotten "coated" with the world's waywardness, and I was slowly drifting off-track. Even when the heat flashes and headaches of sin had surfaced as God's warning to my spirit to leave whatever I was doing alone, I ignored them, so He had to pull me up short!

I don't know down which road I was heading, or if I can point any specific fingers in any specific directions, I just know I had been drifting, and it took a can of iced tea to bring me back to my senses.

If you know that you've been dabbling in things you have no business being around, use this lesson as your jug-handle and turn that baby around and get back to the road you're supposed to be on. Don't make the mistake of so many others who ignored God's cautionary messages, and have now been turned over to their own devices (don't believe God will do that? See Romans 1:28)

Real life recognition

Recognizing that I have been angry at others for not acting according to my script and angry at myself for acting according to "their" script and not my own. 

I've heard that a big first step toward solving a problem is first recognizing that there is a problem.  Well, now I recognize the problem.  I had this picture in my head about how life was supposed to be, based on the fairy tales I grew up hearing or the idyllic movies I grew up seeing.  I grew up thinking that the "issues" in my family were unique and the worst that the world could have possibly burdened me with.  People finally crossed my path who were transparent enough to let me know that 1. the fairy tales were indeed just that, tales, and not reality at all, and 2. they and most others were experiencing similar, if not the same, issues I had been experiencing, that I was nowhere near alone.  That helped me to breathe more freely.

But now, on to the next step.  How do I recover from all that damage that I've endured and inflicted based on my misinformed thinking?  What if the people who hurt me or that I've hurt are no longer alive or accessible?  Forgive and offer forgiveness anyway.  This is more about unburdening my soul than continuing to place blame (which was my MO).  I have to be a vessel of healing and while I'm doing that, I have to heal as well.  This has been such a long journey of twists, turns, backswitches, retreats, potholes, mountains...you know, I don't have to spell it out, because you've endured your own version of this too!

I find that these intermittent revelatory moments are so key to not only my own healing, but that of so many others because we are all traveling this road called life, and, just like in some of those online role-playing games, you find weapons for future use along the way, you share your arsenal with your troop in order to win the day.  So I'm sharing.

I am a part of an amazing group of people who are also on their own journey of discovery, whether or not they recognize it.  I've read so many of your stories here on FB and see the growth and progress you've made.  Sometimes when we pray for others, we are not privy to the fulfillment of those prayers, and that's just according to God's plan (so that we don't try to take credit for God's work).  But every once in a while, God allows us to see the fruit at the moment when we're ready to throw in the towel.  I was at one of those moments and a friend from long ago posted a memory that re-lit my candle.  The flame lit the way towards today's revelation.

I hope I made God proud with today's work.  I want to make Him proud because in the end, it's really His opinion of me that matters.  I hope I remember that tomorrow...

Soul check: Thought discipline

Soul check: Before you discipline your children, or discipline your body, you need to discipline your thoughts.

Out of your mouth flows the issues found in your heart. So many of those issues can be minimized or stopped before they begin, by controlling the thoughts surrounding them. Because the Word teaches that "as he thinks in his heart, so is he," we then know that those thoughts can manifest into the physical realm simply by dwelling on them. Our very rehearsal of thoughts, good or evil, are the fertilizer those thoughts need to germinate, and ultimately come to fruition, that is, bear fruit.

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 says: We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. And after you have become fully obedient, we will punish everyone who remains disobedient.

Today's societal thinking veers towards the fulfillment and buoying of "me," everything is about "me" and what "I" can do to become a better "me" by doing things to bolster more of "me." Self-help, self-realization, self-actualization, and on and on. Yoga, meditation, chanting, all of those self-absorbing practices can be dangerous to the soul seeking a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. They can be soothing and healing, but can also become a subtle distraction from focusing on God to focusing on self. Those are the thoughts that need to be captured and disciplined toward the living for God. There is nothing wrong with seeking betterment of oneself, as long as it doesn't dethrone God. God wants us to prosper as our souls prosper, so He wants us to be better, but not at the expense of our souls (from where our thoughts originate).

Capturing our thoughts and keeping them captive to the obedience of Christ is the way to discipline our thoughts. Whenever an errant thought crosses our mind, immediately redirect it onto the straight and narrow, or else it will take a detour from the planned route. Ever wonder "how did I get here?" Often it's because of unplanned and uncontrolled detours. Some detours are unplanned, but they do not have to be uncontrolled. Keep the goal in mind and get back to the planned route and "train of thought" as soon as possible, or you could end up so very far away from the goal. Being disciplined takes practice, it is not an overnight successful accomplishment, and it is ongoing, not a one-time deed.

Different distractions and modes of thought will constantly bombard us, and it's up to us to recognize them for what they are the moment they enter our sphere. Some thoughts are meant to open a closed mind, which is good, but if taken too far, open it to...what? Some forms of meditation are for soothing frayed nerves and smoothing jagged edges, which is wonderful, but if not researched in origin and mode, you meditate on...what?

Again, before we seek to discipline anyone or anything other than ourselves, we need to discipline our own thoughts.